goodbye sweet world or how i learned to love state service

I am now a state employee.

Oh but since the last time i blogged here i taught english in china. It was fun. I had a daughter there - that was better. Harrowing yet life affirming.

Growing up my mom worked for DMV - i always dreaded the thought of selling my soul for a decent retirement. Not that i think i'll ever make it long enough to actually be able to retire. I've got the bug to travel now. No more than that i've got the bug to live abroad. And with Violette too?!? That'd be rad. It'll be even better to be away from here. Sacramento. California. The US of A. Ugh.

It is, they are, WE ARE the biggest most blundering, blindly narcissistic collection of self defeaters the world has or will ever know. Ok, i'm done typing i think i'll get in my OVERSIZED SUV and stop by the huge as oversized parking lot next to the BIG BOX STORE on my way to my 8000 square foot house. Whew, all better.

tefl for life-l

i think i hit on my tefl teacher. but in a subtle not sleeezee kinda way. I sent her an email saying that her manner invigorated my desire to teach.

Well, wait. first back story. At the class she was kinda over the top nice. I'm not sure if you know what i mean but kinda like a stipper. but not in a bad way - in the way that when you meet a really good one they both seem to be true lifelong friends and really interested in who you are. Yet we've just met. How can you be that invested in me when you don't know me. Well, my teacher was that nice. But not at all insincere. And our conversations bordered on flirtatious. Even though she made it know she was married and had children so that it never felt inapproriate.

Well, until i sent a (perhaps) too flattering email. Maybe. And i don't really care if she thinks i was hitting on her as long as she appreciates the compliment. Which was that while i admired her ability as a teacher it was more her sublime demeanor handling the class that i admired. And that is what has me excited to someday teaching - just the opportunity to be myself in front of 20 impresionable persons and have them learn not only english but how to act like a responsible person. Its what you teach when you're not talking that is really hard. I hope i measure up - heaven knows my english skeelz aint' taht grate.

Holla Diane!

I look slightly retarded - i guess that's pretty acurate.

truth be told - i'm a dork.

12 happy travelers TEFL part un

I took a TEFL class this last weekend in the city. Well, Burlingame actually. It was nice. Awesome really. Everyone else in the class had traveled. I think they had the seven continents covered. Harry just had a stem cell/heart procedure that essentially regenerated heart tissue. Mary was a judge living in an eight million dollar house near Laughlin. Jacques was a trust fund twenty something year old who had already taught in china and also was a certified underwater photographer and also had an engineering degree and also had an awesome girlfriend. Julija was from Slovenia but had moved to the US young so was fluent in English. But in order to teach in china she had to have certification - thus the reason she and Jacques were in the class. Eric had a degree from the art academy in the city and was going to Japan to learn calligraphy and paint. Brittany was in a masters program at cal and was going to Africa for a semester abroad. Rachel was ready to sell everything and move to Costa Rica. Brad was born in Detroit but raised in England - had a definite brit accent and an appreciation and respect for Asian culture. Susan was a marathon runner who had recently had a baby and wanted to be able to teach in the Caribbean. Rich was an athletic trainer and is leaving for south Korea on Wednesday. Dirk was planning a move to Italy, perhaps to be closer to Italian men. And me - that's twelve.

The instructor was amazing. Beautiful and smart as no other. Diane. She looked like a cross between Penelope Cruz and a young Julia Roberts and was married to a chp officer. I tried to act right but didn't always succeed. She was also kind, caring and an awesome mother but i couldn't possibly know that all from one weekend intensive class.

skeert ta luv agin

I'm divorced. It sucks but it happens. It was for the best. We both made mistakes that contributed, me more than her but the point is that part of my life is done.

Sure, its been a couple of years and as far as my everyday life it's been done for quite a while and while i may have said it out loud now i am typing it. To make it final. Done.

I still think of her, i expect i always will but the thoughts are less and less frequent and never in a longing sort of way. Not like 'I wish I could be back with her today.' Or 'if only i had...'

So why am i so diametrically oposed to the idea of another significant relationship?

I am enthralled by the idea of falling in love. The giddy anticipation that accompanies meeting somebody new, discovering similarities, wanting to know more and more and being surprised by how much you have in common. I love that.

But the thought of trusting somebody completely again. Having one other person who knows everything about you and you're comfortable with that. More than comfortable. Devoted. It's overwhelming to consider because with that trust comes the posiblity of disasterous results. I guess I'll know i'm ready when i regain enough faith in the positive to risk it all again.

Maybe tomorrow?

china, chinese, me

I have a deadline. I must relieve myself of (almost) all earthly possessions so i can move to china and teach english to chinese people. Why do i insist on imparting false value on my shit?

Ok, sure - i do have some books that are probably worth a little bit of money but that worth is false when it enslaves me. My stuff owns me. My stuff owns me. I'm a slave to my possessions.

I'd really like to have everything in order by the time burning man gets here so i could just be free going there - everything i own either with me or packed in a huge duffel bag waiting to be shipped to china. This is my goal.

There's such a sense of independance that must come from having everything you own on your back. Or at least having the knowledge that you wouldn't miss anything if you just walked away. I see that portrayed in the movies and think even more than perfect endings to stories that last exactly 97 minutes they are the ultimate movie cliches. How could somebody be so secure in themselves as to have the ability to just walk away (from whatever: people, stuff, money, western culture) and have the ability to succeed where ever they end up?

I hope it's not just a movie cliche because i'm going to try. Ugh, ok yoda i'm not going to try. I am going to do exactly that. I will succeed in china.

What's a blog again?

If a blogger blogs but nobody reads it is it still a blog?